How I Learned to Set Boundaries Without Saying a Word

I used to think setting a boundary meant confrontation—and if there was one thing I couldn’t handle, it was confrontation.

For years, I let people push me past my limits... especially my mother.

My mom has a way of making everything about her...

• If I didn’t call, I was "too busy for my own mother."
• If I made plans without her, "Why can't you be more like your sister?" (who is still attached to her at the hip, by the way).
• If I tried to pull away, even just a little bit, the guilt trips would roll in like clockwork. 

And I fell for it... Every, single time:

•  If she asked me to come over, I went—no matter how exhausted I was.
•  If she needed something, I dropped everything to do it.
•  If she made a snide remark about my choices, I swallowed it.

I told myself it was normal...

• I thought I was just being a good daughter.
• I justified that it wasn’t worth the fight.

But the truth was, I was scared to upset her.

I wasn’t searching for a way to set boundaries when I found ARCS. I wasn’t even searching for help.

But I saw an ad that said: "How to Set Boundaries Without Saying a Word."

I had never considered that before!

The idea that I could protect myself without confrontation? Without conflict? Without even having to speak the boundary out loud?

Just thinking about it felt like a relief. So I signed up for an ARCS class.

The first thing I learned at ARCS was that boundaries aren’t about controlling other people—they’re about controlling myself:

• my choices
• my actions
• my energy

I didn’t have to “explain” my boundaries. I didn’t have to justify them. I could simply live them.

So I started taking baby steps...

• I stopped answering her calls immediately. Instead, I called back when I had time.
• I stopped explaining myself. If I couldn’t do something, I just said I had to work late.
• I left visits when I was ready, instead of waiting for permission to leave.
• I stopped reacting to her guilt trips. Instead of arguing, I just excuse myself to the bathroom or changed the subject... like she never even said anything.

And something incredible happened...

She didn’t like it at first. She pushed harder, and tried different tactics to test my boundaries.

But ARCS had already prepared me for this!

My Coach and the ladies in my class showed me exactly how people will try to get you to fold, and once you see it... you're not thrown by it anymore.

It almost becomes predictable, once you know the cycle.

So:

• I held firm.
• I didn’t argue.
• I didn’t justify.
• I didn’t engage.

And eventually, my mom backed off!

I never even thought that was possible. I think back now, to how long I suffered because I believed it really wouldn't even matter if I tried to set a boundary

As I got stronger with my mother, I started recognizing the same patterns everywhere.

• At work, my boss would pile extra tasks on my desk at the last minute, assuming I’d just take it. I would just smile and say, “Sure, no problem.”
• My sister would emotionally dump on me for hours, but the second I needed help, she would actually blame me for being "needy"?!!
• And I always tiptoed around "touch" subjects in my relationship... afraid that speaking my needs would push him away.

When I stepped back and looked at the pattern, I spent my whole life betraying myself to make other people comfortable. 

I wasn’t just afraid of confrontation. I was afraid of rejection, too. I was afraid of losing people, if I disappointed them.

The way my mother treated me growing up conditioned me to ignore my own needs, in order to be "loved."

But the more I listened and learned, the more I realized that people who are really capable of loving you DON'T WANT YOU TO IGNORE YOUR NEEDS!!!

So I started standing in my truth...

• At work, I just flatly told my boss to give me advance notice for any additional tasks... and since then, he never gets around to requesting anymore.
• My sister doesn't know it, but I set time limits on our calls (LOL). I let her know, “I'm tired and I have to go now. Love you! Bye!” And I just hang up the phone.
• In my relationship, I've started speaking up about my needs, instead of apologizing for them.

Today, I see that standing in my boundaries is really just about standing in my truth. 

Now after all of this, you might think I eventually sat my mother down and told her directly what my boundaries were.

Nope!

Because ARCS taught me that boundaries aren’t just about what I say... They’re about what I choose to share. 

I get to choose.

And I realized that, if I tried to communicate my boundaries with my mother, she would only use them against me. She would twist my words, and turn it into a battle.

So I made a different choice.

Instead of giving her the ammunition, I simply kept things light.

• When she tried to guilt-trip me, I learned how to deflect it... My ARCS Coach calls this "Emotional Kung Fu" (LOL).
• When she pushed for personal details, I kept my answers short.
• If she started criticizing me, I made an excuse to leave AS I WAS ACTUALLY WALKING OUT THE DOOR.

And over time, she just gave up.

My mom hasn't changed, but the way she treats me has... because I taught her that I'm not an available target, anymore. 

Boundaries teach people how to treat you.

There’s no way I can talk about everything I’ve learned at ARCS...

• I have options, today.
• I know how to use them.
• And I know I'm entitled to them.
• I don’t have to explain myself.
• I don't have to apologize for who I am.
• I don’t have to tolerate emotional dumping.
• I don’t have to prove my worth.
• I don’t have to keep anyone happy at the expense of my peace.

I could not have done any of this without my Coach and the amazing women in my group who have my back, no matter what.

My biggest advice to you is STOP TRYING TO DO THIS ALONE!

ARCS didn’t just teach me how to set boundaries, it taught me self-worth.