Self-Destruction Used To Feel Powerful

I don’t remember much from my childhood.

That’s a common thread among many of us survivors.

I know there were good moments. But mostly, I remember pain and sadness.

There were so many sources of dysfunction and abuse (emotional, mental, and physical) at the hands of multiple family members. 

On top of that, I suffered spiritual abuse through the rigid, oppressive religion in which my family had indoctrinated me.

Because of the trauma I endured...

I became promiscuous and had a child by the age of 16.

I consistently sought love and validation in the wrong places (through men, through relationships, through external approval). 

But no matter how hard I searched, I always ended up with abusive and unhealthy partners.

I had severe abandonment issues, and the slightest trigger could transform me into a tiny, raging maniac.

Then came my last marriage...

It was so toxic and destructive that it became the catalyst for something I had never dared to do before: I left.

I moved to a new city, and I started my healing journey. It wasn’t an easy start. In fact, it was rocky as hell. But at least I had done one thing right:  I got away from my abusers. 

For the first time, I felt free to be myself, free to start over. But even though I had escaped, I still carried deep false beliefs about myself. 

I believed I had no worth beyond my body. So I made a decision: I entered the adult entertainment industry.

At the time, it felt empowering. I told myself I was taking back control, but looking back, I see what it really was:

• An understandable, but misguided, attempt at healing.
• A way to feel like I was finally in charge.
• A way to reclaim what had been stolen from me.

At first, it seemed glamorous. It seemed easy. Until I realized the truth: I was only subjecting myself to further trauma.

I became suicidal, and that’s when the Universe stepped in.

That’s when ARCS found me.

The first time I visited an ARCS class, I felt something I had never felt before: understood.

I found answers to questions I’d carried for 30 years:

• Why I always felt so alone
• Why I felt unloved, angry, and hopeless
• Why my life had been a cycle of pain, no matter how hard I tried to escape it

And for the first time, I learned the truth about addiction. Even though alcoholism runs in my family, I never fully understood addiction as the powerful disease it is.

I had always seen addiction as a character defect, as a weakness. But addiction doesn’t come from weakness... It comes from pain.

That realization changed everything. Understanding addiction allowed me to forgive so many people. It allowed me to empathize with others who were suffering.

ARCS saved my life. Because of ARCS, I am not just existing—I am truly living.

Today, I have:

• The tools to heal from my trauma.
• The knowledge to break the cycles of my past.
• The ability to actually, truly, love myself.

I never thought self-love was possible for me.

I never thought I would feel at peace in my own skin... But now, I do.

And I know, without a doubt, I wouldn’t have found this healing without ARCS.